Learn How To Relax

 

Doesn't she look relaxed ? Why can't I feel this way?  We all have stress in our life. This can make us feel that we cannot relax or feel calm and be at peace with our self. It is important that we find effective ways to relax. We did just that. Here are proven steps that you can use to find that place of relaxation in your life.

1. Awareness

This is the step most people skip. Why? Because it feels like we already know the answer. You probably already think you know what makes you anxious.

But sometimes the situations, physical signs and emotions that accompany anxiety aren't as obvious as you might think. So try keeping a kind of 'anxiety journal', whether real or virtual. When do you feel anxious and what are the physical signs of anxiety?

Sometimes this stage on its own is enough to help people with their anxiety. As I never tire of saying, especially in the area of habits, self-awareness is the first step to change.

2. Breathing

If you've been reading PsyBlog for a while you'll know all about how both mind and body each feed back to the other. For example, standing confidently makes people feel more confident. Mind doesn't just affect body, body also affects mind.

It's the same with anxiety: taking conscious control of breathing sends a message back to the mind.

So, when you're anxious, which is often accompanied by shallow, quick breathing, try changing it to relaxed breathing, which is usually slower and deeper. You can count slowly while breathing in and out and try putting your hand on your stomach and feeling the breath moving in and out.

In addition, adopt whatever bodily positions you associate with being relaxed (although suddenly lying down before giving a talk in public might be a step too far!). Typically these are things like relaxing muscles, adopting an open stance to the world (unfold arms, hint of a smile).

3. Calming thoughts

It's all very well saying: "Think calming thoughts", but who can think of any calming thoughts when stressful situations are approaching and the heart is pumping?

The key is to get your calming thoughts ready in advance. They could be as simple as "Calm down!" but they need to be things that you personally believe in for them to be most effective. It's about finding what form of words or thoughts is right for you.

4. Increase activity

It might seem strange to say that the answer to anxiety is more activities, as we tend to think the answer to anxiety is relaxation and that involves doing less.

But, when unoccupied, the mind wanders, often to anxieties; whereas when engaged with an activity we enjoy, we feel better. Even neutral or somewhat wearing activities, like household admin, can be better than sitting around worrying.

The problem with feeling anxious is that it makes you less likely to want to engage with distracting activities. You see the problem.

One answer is to have a list of activities that you find enjoyable ready in advance. When anxiety hits at an inactive moment, you can go off and do something to occupy your mind.

Try to have things on your list that you know you will enjoy and are easy to get started on. For example, 'invent a time machine' may be biting off a tiny bit more than you can chew, but 'a walk around the block' is do-able.

5. Sleep skills

Often when people are anxious they have problems sleeping. Sometimes when you feel anxious there's nothing worse than lying in bed, in the dark, with only your own thoughts to occupy your attention.

And lack of sleep leads to anxiety about sleeping which can lead, paradoxically, to worse sleep.

Breaking out of this loop can be hard but practising 'sleep hygiene' can help. This is all about getting into good sleeping habits. I've covered this before in 6 Easy Steps to Falling Asleep Fast, so check that article out for the details.

These steps work and will assist you in learning how to relax. We would like to thank psyblog.org for their useful information concerning this topic. If you would like to contact me with any question or feedback, you can reach me by email.

Thank you for visiting us!
Joseph A. Jones

 

How to avoid Holiday Stress

Have you ever had that look on your face like that during the holidays ? Yes, we have another Holiday approaching us Easter. These holidays come at us quick and sometimes we feel depressed and even stressed just thinking about them. It is normal to feel this way. However, we do feel there are some ways that you can overcome these feelings. We found some practical advice that you can use from Mayo Clinic.

Tips to prevent holiday stress and depression

When stress is at its peak, it's hard to stop and regroup. Try to prevent stress and depression in the first place, especially if the holidays have taken an emotional toll on you in the past.

1. Acknowledge your feelings. If someone close to you has recently died or you can't be with loved ones, realize that it's normal to feel sadness and grief. It's OK to take time to cry or express your feelings. You can't force yourself to be happy just because it's the holiday season.
2. Reach out. If you feel lonely or isolated, seek out community, religious or other social events. They can offer support and companionship. Volunteering your time to help others also is a good way to lift your spirits and broaden your friendships.
3. Be realistic. The holidays don't have to be perfect or just like last year. As families change and grow, traditions and rituals often change as well. Choose a few to hold on to, and be open to creating new ones. For example, if your adult children can't come to your house, find new ways to celebrate together, such as sharing pictures, emails or videos.
4. Set aside differences. Try to accept family members and friends as they are, even if they don't live up to all of your expectations. Set aside grievances until a more appropriate time for discussion. And be understanding if others get upset or distressed when something goes awry. Chances are they're feeling the effects of holiday stress and depression, too.
5. Stick to a budget. Before you go gift and food shopping, decide how much money you can afford to spend. Then stick to your budget. Don't try to buy happiness with an avalanche of gifts. Try these alternatives: Donate to a charity in someone's name, give homemade gifts or start a family gift exchange.
6. Plan ahead. Set aside specific days for shopping, baking, visiting friends and other activities. Plan your menus and then make your shopping list. That'll help prevent last-minute scrambling to buy forgotten ingredients. And make sure to line up help for party prep and cleanup.
7. Learn to say no. Saying yes when you should say no can leave you feeling resentful and overwhelmed. Friends and colleagues will understand if you can't participate in every project or activity. If it's not possible to say no when your boss asks you to work overtime, try to remove something else from your agenda to make up for the lost time.
8. Don't abandon healthy habits. Don't let the holidays become a free-for-all. Overindulgence only adds to your stress and guilt. Have a healthy snack before holiday parties so that you don't go overboard on sweets, cheese or drinks. Continue to get plenty of sleep and physical activity.
9. Take a breather. Make some time for yourself. Spending just 15 minutes alone, without distractions, may refresh you enough to handle everything you need to do. Take a walk at night and stargaze. Listen to soothing music. Find something that reduces stress by clearing your mind, slowing your breathing and restoring inner calm.
10. Seek professional help if you need it. Despite your best efforts, you may find yourself feeling persistently sad or anxious, plagued by physical complaints, unable to sleep, irritable and hopeless, and unable to face routine chores. If these feelings last for a while, talk to your doctor or a mental health professional.

    Take control of the holidays

    Don't let the holidays become something you dread. Instead, take steps to prevent the stress and depression that can descend during the holidays. Learn to recognize your holiday triggers, such as financial pressures or personal demands, so you can combat them before they lead to a meltdown. With a little planning and some positive thinking, you can find peace and joy during the holidays.

These are wonderful strategies that anyone can use to have a more stress free holidays. Thank you to Mayo Clinic for their insight concerning this topic. If you would like to contact me with any question or feedback, you can reach me by email.

Thank you for visiting us!
Joseph A. Jones

How To Strengthen Your Relationships

Take a look at that picture. That looks like a couple that loves each other and has a strong relationship. During this month, that celebrates Valentines Day as a day of love, It might also be important that we  examine ways to strengthen your relationships year round not just for one day. These ideas should help you with that.


How to strengthen your loving relationship

Everyone’s relationship is unique, and people come together for many different reasons. But there are some things that good relationships have in common. Knowing the basic principles of healthy relationships helps keep them meaningful, fulfilling and exciting in both happy times and sad:

What makes a healthy love relationship?

• Staying involved with each other. Some relationships get stuck in peaceful coexistence, but without truly relating to each other and working together. While it may seem stable on the surface, lack of involvement and communication increases distance. When you need to talk about something important, the connection and understanding may no longer be there.
• Getting through conflict. Some couples talk things out quietly, while others may raise their voices and passionately disagree. The key in a strong relationship, though, is not to be fearful of conflict. You need to be safe to express things that bother you without fear of retaliation, and be able to resolve conflict without humiliation, degradation or insisting on being right.
• Keeping outside relationships and interests alive. No one person can meet all of our needs, and expecting too much from someone can put a lot of unhealthy pressure on a relationship. Having friends and outside interests not only strengthens your social network, but brings new insights and stimulation to the relationship, too.
• Communicating. Honest, direct communication is a key part of any relationship. When both people feel comfortable expressing their needs, fears and desires, trust and bonds are strengthened. Critical to communication are nonverbal cues—body language like eye contact, leaning forward or away, or touching someone’s arm.

Relationship advice tip 1: Keep physical intimacy alive

Touch is a fundamental part of human existence. Studies on infants have shown the importance of regular, loving touch and holding on brain development. These benefits do not end in childhood. Life without physical contact with others is a lonely life indeed

Studies have shown that affectionate touch actually boosts the body’s levels of oxytocin, a hormone that influences bonding and attachment. In a committed relationship between two adult partners, physical intercourse is often a cornerstone of the relationship. However, intercourse should not be the only method of physical intimacy in a relationship. Regular, affectionate touch­—holding hands, hugging, or kissing—is equally important.
Be sensitive to what your partner likes. While touch is a key part of a healthy relationship, it’s important to take some time to find out what your partner really likes. Unwanted touching or inappropriate overtures can make the other person tense up and retreat—exactly what you don’t want.

Relationship advice tip 2: Spend quality time together

You probably have fond memories of when you were first dating your loved one. Everything may have seemed new and exciting, and you may have spent hours just chatting together or coming up with new, exciting things to try. However, as time goes by, children, demanding jobs, long commutes, different hobbies and other obligations can make it hard to find time together. It’s critical for your relationship, though, to make time for yourselves. If you don’t have quality time, communication and understanding start to erode.

Simple ways to connect as a couple and rekindle love

• Commit to spending quality time together on a regular basis. Even during very busy and stressful times, a few minutes of really sharing and connecting can help keep bonds strong.
• Find something that you enjoy doing together, whether it is a shared hobby, dance class, daily walk, or sitting over a cup of coffee in the morning.
• Try something new together. Doing new things together can be a fun way to connect and keep things interesting. It can be as simple as trying a new restaurant or going on a day trip to a place you’ve never been before.

Couples are often more fun and playful in the early stages of a relationship. However, this playful attitude can sometimes be forgotten as life challenges or old resentments start getting in the way. Keeping a sense of humor can actually help you get through tough times, reduce stress and work through issues more easily.

Focus on having fun together

• Think about playful ways to surprise your partner, like bringing flowers or a favorite movie home unexpectedly.
• Learn from the “play experts” together. Playing with pets or small children can really help you reconnect with your playful side. If it’s something you do together, you also learn more about your partner and how he or she likes to have fun.
• Make a habit of laughing together whenever you can. Most situations are not as bleak as they appear to be when you approach them with humor.

Learning how to play again

A little humor and playful interaction can go a long way in relieving tense situations and helping you see the brighter side. If you’re feeling a little rusty, learn more about how playful communication can improve your relationship, and fun ways to practice this skill.

Relationship advice tip 3: Never stop communicating

Good communication is a fundamental part of a healthy relationship. When people stop communicating well, they stop relating well, and times of change or stress can really bring out disconnect. As long as you are communicating, you can work through whatever problem you’re facing.

Learn your partner’s emotional cues
Each of us is a little different in how we best receive information. Some people might respond better to sight, sound or touch. Your partner’s responses may be different from yours. Take some time to learn your partner’s cues, and be sure to communicate your own as well. For example, one person might find a brief massage after a stressful day a loving mode of communication—while another might just want to talk over a hot cup of tea.
So much of our communication is transmitted by what we don’t say. Nonverbal cues such as eye contact, leaning forward or away, or touching someone’s arm communicate much more than words. For a relationship to work well, each person has to be receptive to sending and receiving nonverbal cues. Learning to understand this “body language” can help you understand better what your partner is trying to say. Think about what you are transmitting as well, and if what you say matches what you feel. If you insist “I’m fine”, while clenching your teeth and looking away, your body is clearly signaling you are not.

Question your assumptions

If you’ve known each other for a while, you may assume that your partner has a pretty good idea of what you are thinking and what you need. However, your partner is not a mind-reader. While your partner may have some idea, it is much healthier to express your needs directly to avoid any confusion. Your partner may sense something, but it might not be what you need. What’s more, people change, and what you needed and wanted five years ago, for example, may be very different now. Getting in the habit of expressing your needs helps you weather difficult times, which otherwise may lead to increasing resentment, misunderstanding and anger.

Use your senses to keep stress in check

If you’re not calm and focused, you won’t be able to communicate effectively. The best way to reduce stress quickly and reliably is through the senses. But each person responds differently to sensory input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you.

Relationship advice tip 4: Healthy relationships are built on give and take

If you expect to get what you want 100% of a time in a relationship, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Healthy relationships are built on compromise. However, it takes work on each person’s part to make sure that there is a reasonable exchange.

Recognize what’s important to your partner

Knowing what is truly important to your partner can go a long way towards building goodwill and an atmosphere of compromise. On the flip side, it’s also important for your partner to recognize your wants and for you to state them clearly. Constantly giving to others at the expense of your own needs builds resentment and anger.

Don’t make “winning” your goal

If you approach your partner with the attitude that things have to be your way or else, it will be difficult to reach a compromise. Sometimes this attitude comes from not having your needs met while younger, or it could be years of accumulated resentment in the relationship reaching a boiling point. It’s alright to have strong convictions about something, but your partner deserves to be heard as well. You are more likely to get your needs met if you respect what your partner needs, and compromise when you can.

Learn how to respectfully resolve conflict

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but to keep a relationship strong, both people need to feel they’ve been heard. The goal is not to win but to resolve the conflict with respect and love.

• Make sure you are fighting fair.
• Don’t attack someone directly but use “I” statements to communicate how you feel.
• Don’t drag old arguments into the mix.
• Keep the focus on the issue at hand, and respect the other person.

Relationship advice tip 5: Expect ups and downs

It’s also important to recognize that there are ups and downs in every relationship. You won’t always be on the same page. Sometimes one partner may be struggling with an issue that stresses them, such as the death of a close family member. Other events, like job loss or severe health problems, can affect both partners and make it difficult to relate to each other. You might have different ideas of managing finances or raising children. Different people cope with stress differently, and misunderstanding can rapidly turn to frustration and anger.

Relationship advice for getting through life’s ups and downs

• Don’t take out your problems on your partner. Life stresses can make us short tempered. If you are coping with a lot of stress, it might seem easier to vent with your partner, and even feel safer to snap at him or her. Fighting like this might initially feel like a release, but it slowly poisons your relationship. Find other ways to vent your anger and frustration.
• Some problems are bigger than both of you. Trying to force a solution can cause even more problems. Every person works through problems and issues in his or her own way. Remember that you’re a team. Continuing to move forward together can get you through the rough spots.
• Be open to change. Change is inevitable in life, and it will happen whether you go with it or fight it. Flexibility is essential to adapt to the change that is always taking place in any relationship, and it allows you to grow together through both the good times and the bad.
• Don’t ignore problems. Whatever problems arise in a romantic relationship, it’s important to face them together as a couple. If an aspect of the relationship stops working, don’t simply ignore it but address it with your partner. Things change, so respond to them together as they do.

Romantic relationships require ongoing attention

Many couples focus on their relationship only when there are specific, unavoidable problems to overcome. Once the problems have been resolved they often switch their attention back to their careers, kids, or other interests. However, romantic relationships require ongoing attention and commitment for love to flourish. As long as the health of a romantic relationship remains important to you, it is going to require your attention and effort.

If you need more relationship help and advice

Sometimes problems in a relationship may seem too complex or overwhelming for a couple to handle on their own. In that case, it’s important to reach out together for help. There are a number of options available, including:

• Couples counseling. You might be considering couples counseling or marriage counseling. It’s a big investment, and time, energy, focus and commitment are needed from both people to make a difference. Both parties need to be willing and able to honestly communicate what you need, face issues arising in counseling and make changes. It’s important also that both people feel comfortable with the counselor.
• Spiritual advice. Some couples benefit from spiritual advice from a religious figure such as a pastor or rabbi. This tends to work best if both persons have similar convictions of faith and have a good relationship with the spiritual advisor.
• Emotional Intelligence building. Try using Helpguide's Bring Your Life into Balance mindfulness toolkit, a free utility for building emotional health and emotional intelligence. This in-depth course provides articles, videos, and audio meditations designed to help you put the skills of emotional intelligence and communication into practice.
• Individual therapy. Sometimes one person may need specialized help. For example, someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one may need counseling to help them process the grief. If your loved one needs help, don’t feel like you are a failure for not providing them everything they need. No one can fulfill everyone’s needs, and getting the right help can make a tremendous difference in your relationship.

This is so important that you use this information to build and grow that special relationship in your life. Thank You to HelpGuide.org for this invaluable information. If you would like to contact me with any question or feedback, you can reach me by email.

Thank you for visiting us!
Joseph A. Jones

How To Set Realistic Goals

Not to high or to low. We have heard this phrase numerous times. This phrase is useful when describing New Years resolutions and goal setting. It is important that you pick challenging goals not impossible ones or goals that are way to easy. So, we found some real useful information that you can use so you can set realistic goals for yourself and succeed this year.

Key #1 – Write Your Goals Down

Studies and surveys have shown that you are far more likely to achieve your goals if you write it down. I personally like to write my goals down and refer to them daily to keep them at the front of my mind.
Writing down our goals also helps make them real to us. If we just think about a goal, it’s not physically real – and it’s easy for us to change our minds. When we write it down however, the very act of writing helps us commit to the goals – and also gives us something we can visually see and reflect on.

 Key #2 – Set Short Term Milestones

Goals that are far out of reach are easy to procrastinate on and put off. It’s fine to have long term dreams – but in the short run, you should have regular mile stones as well.
For example, if your goal is to write a novel, rather than just saying you’ll write a novel this year and leave it at that, instead commit to a certain number of pages or words a month – these short term milestones will help you stay on track, and will make your long term goal much more manageable.

Key #3 – Be Specific

If your goal is to “lose weight” – how will you know when you’re done? Going along with the above of setting short term mile stones, even if your long term goal is “get in better shape” – you can still be specific such as “be in good enough shape to play football for two hours twice a week.”
The more specific you are, the better motivated you’ll be as you get closer to achieving your goal. With vague goals, it’s very easy to get discouraged, because you may not feel like you’re getting closer to due to having no clear end in sight.
Use specific, tangible words in your goals such as measurements and (if applicable) a date by which they will be accomplished.

Key #4 – Measure Actions as Well As Progress

Sticking with the theme of setting fitness goals, many people I know get frustrated when they set a specific goal such as “lose 20 pounds by summer” – and then fall short of their goal. While it’s good to have aggressive goals, in some situations it may be better to measure your actions instead of your progress.
So for example, instead of setting fitness goals based on pounds lost, you could set goals for the amount of cardio you do every week and whether you keep your calories below a certain threshold.
This is also good for vague goals that may be difficult to measure, such as achieving proficiency playing a sport or playing an instrument. Setting goals based on perhaps 1 or 2 hours of practice a day may be more helpful than simply saying “get better before school starts.”

Key #5 – Start With Just One Goal

A classic mistake that I see over and over, and that I’ve made many times myself, is to be overzealous and try to change too many things at one time. You may decide you want to turn your life around and set out to accomplish a laundry list of goals at once.
Unfortunately, trying to accomplish too many things at once is frequently a recipe for failure. For most people, changing too many aspects of their lives requires an overwhelming amount of willpower, and ends up being unrealistic.
I prefer the approach advocated in Zen To Done – set one goal at a time, and then as you get that goal under control, slowly add more goals into the mix.

Key #6 – Schedule In Time For Your Goals

If you don’t make time for your goals, you’ll never accomplish them – it’s as simple as that. Along those sames lines, generally speaking, the more time you allocate per day to your goal, the faster you’ll achieve it.
Rather than leave it to chance, I recommend scheduling a specific time every day for your goal. I think this is part of the reason why organized sports and personal trainers are so effective for people looking to improve their fitness – the activity has a set block of time on their schedule, and so people attend regularly.
My bias is towards working on goals first thing in the morning – but find the schedule that works for you.

Key #7 – Set Goals You Actually Want To Achieve

 Rumor has it that a philosopher in Europe once posted this message on his telephone answering machine:

“This device is programmed to ask two simple questions:
Who are you and what do you want?
Most people live their entire lives without ever answering either one.”
– from The Magic Lamp: Goal Setting For People Who Hate Setting Goals

This last key took me a long time to learn, and I think really is the most important on the list. Don’t set goals because you think you “should” or because they “sound good.”
Look at your life and the direction you want it to take – set goals that you realistically can achieve, but more important – pick goals you want to achieve.

This is real practical information that you can use to set goals and accomplish them. A big thank you goes to Sid Savara that specializes in personal development.If you would like to contact me with any question or feedback, you can reach me by email.

Thank you for visiting us!
Joseph A. Jones

How To Give With Your Heart

It is Christmas season. This is a time of giving. Not just a time to buy someone cards and a gift, one needs to give with their heart. That can be real difficult to give with your heart and can be quite challenging sometimes. We did some research and found some practical advice so you can give with your heart this holiday season not just with your pocket book.

How to Give Your Heart

Become a volunteer
 It could be anything from helping the homeless, collecting toys for abused children, or mentoring a teen. Remember to start gradually by volunteering one or two hours a week. This will help you learn to listen to others, and many of their stories will tug on your heartstrings. It will also help you contribute to a cause greater than yourself.

Compliment others
 So often, people will focus on negatives. It can be a struggle to look for the good in people. Take the time to compliment at least one person a day. If you are not sure what to say, sit down and write a list of compliments. Think about what would make you feel good. You could compliment someone on a nice outfit, a new haircut that looks great, losing weight, or for an accomplishment. Other people will remember your sincerity. It could also help spark a meaningful conversation.

 

Remember Important Information

Grab a paper and pencil to jot down notes about your friends. Include anything that may be important to remember, such as kids names, hobbies, interests, and favorite food. It's a good idea to keep those notes near your calender so you can remember birthdays and anniversaries. This will help you stay aware of what your friends and family are concentrating on at home. Ask them for an update from time to time. And don't forget to give them a brief update about your life. Remember to focus on positives. Even if you are going through a difficult time, find something positive you can share. If others are going through a hard time, be a good listener.

Remember Important Dates
Keep a list of friends and families birthdays and send them a card in the mail. (Do not send an e-card). If you have a busy schedule, purchase the cards at the beginning of each month and get them ready to go with addresses and stamps. That way, all you will have to focus on, is sending them out. It not only shows that you remembered their birthday, but you can feel good about helping make someone feel special.

Start a Journal

 Every night, write down three things or people you are thankful for, and why. Also write one thing you did to go out of your way to help another person. It's like the old saying, "Count your blessings." The reason this is so important is because it helps you remember what makes life special. It helps fill your heart with love and joy for people in your life who make a positive difference. It will also help you record your journey and reminds you to make an effort to share your life and open your heart.

Read Some Magazines

Although it helps you learn something new, the articles are not for your personal benefit. Remember what interests your friends and familly. When you find an article they may find interesting, clip it and give it to them. Read the article first, so you can explain why you thought they would enjoy it. This will show you are truly interested in making others happy, and they are more likely to return the favor.

Pick Up Litter

Grab a trash bag and pick up litter around your neighborhood. It doesn't sound like this would help your heart, but it does. It helps you feel connected to your community. Your neighbors will be thankful for the good deed, and may even join you. At the very least, it will help you feel better about doing something good, even when no one is looking.

Smile At Everyone
 Smile at the man the car who just cut you off. Smile at the clerk in the grocery store. Smile at the police officer who just gave you a ticket. Opening your heart is about a complete change in your attitude. No matter what is happening in your life, find a reason to smile and share it with others. People are more likely to come up and share their lives when you are happy with yours

Read more: How to Open Up Your Heart | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_2303351_open-up-heart.html#ixzz2F3111EO5


A big thanks goes to ehow for the simple and practical ways that we can start to open our heart and give to others. If you would like to contact me with any question or feedback, you can reach me by email.

Thank you for visiting us!
Joseph A. Jones

Twelve Ways To Be Thankful

Thankful. What a simple word but is often overlooked in our everyday life's. We have busy schedules  which can be stressful and have very little time to think about thankfulness. It is important to be thankful which in turn we will be able to appreciate what is around us. So , we found through the help of psychcentral.com twelve ways we can learn to be thankful.

1. See with the heart.
One of my very favorite quotes is from Antoine de Saint-Exupery’s “The Little Prince”: “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye.” Every time I throw myself into a tizzy because things aren’t going as expected, or as I projected on my Excel spreadsheet for the year 2020, I have to remind myself that I’m looking with the wrong instruments: I need to go back and tell my heart to get some guts and speak up to my head because it’s starting to listen to my eyes again.

2. Change your language.
Learning how to see with the heart–shifting perspectives ever so slightly–is easier once you learn how to talk to yourself and to others. Dan Baker, Ph.D., writes in “What Happy People Know”: “Just as changing your life can change your language, changing your language can change your life.” I do a lot of self-bashing, and when I’m in the middle of a rant, I’m not able to be thankful. According to Baker, recent research has actually proved that: it’s impossible to be simultaneously in a state of appreciation and fear, which is why gratitude and appreciation are antidotes to fear. Moreover, the words I speak to myself and to others really do alter my perception of the world. But when I can recognize the toxic self-talk and change my choice of words, the seeds of gratitude can grow.

3. Get a gratitude partner.
Shifting perspectives–seeing that the cup you thought had one teensy drop is actually two-thirds full–and communicating with new language takes time, discipline, and practice. Just like working out. So it makes sense that a gratitude buddy might help you stay in line, just like your running partner does, or, well, is supposed to. Because, come on, who really wants to wake up at 5:30 in the morning on a dark, cold morning and jog around town, right? Only those who are training for the Olympics, exceptionally disciplined, or have work-out partners who will yell and get even if they are stood up.

4. Remember.
“Gratitude is the heart’s memory” says the French proverb. Therefore, one of the first steps to thankfulness is to remember… to remember those in our lives who have walked with us and shown kindness. I have been extremely fortunate to have so many positive mentors in my life. For every scary crossroad–when I was tempted to take a destructive path and walk further away from the person whom I believe I was meant to become–I met a guardian, a messenger, to lead me out of the perilous forest.

5. Keep a gratitude journal.
Gratitude can do more than make you smile. Research conducted by psychologist Robert Emmons at the University of California at Davis, author of “Thanks! How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier,” has found that it can also improve your health: raise energy levels, promote alertness and determination, improve sleep, and possibly relieve pain and fatigue. Emmons maintains that writing in a gratitude journal a few times a week can create lasting effects.

6. Write a thank you letter.
Another gratitude exercise suggested by Dr. Emmons, known as “the father of gratitude” in the psychology world, is to compose a “gratitude letter” to a person who has made a positive and lasting influence in your life. Emmons says the letter is especially powerful when you have not properly thanked the person in the past, and when you read the letter aloud to the person face to face.

7. Make a gratitude visit.
Emmons encourages folks to read their letters aloud in person. But I like to go free style. I just show up, usually to a high school or college classroom, and I tell the students what a difference in my life their teacher has made, that I hope that they know how lucky they are to be learning from such an exceptional person, and to be sure to take lots of notes because chances are that they won’t throw out their notebooks after the course is over.

8. Start a gratitude club.
This sounds like an idea for those with, well, lots of time on their hands. But I’m only suggesting it because it works. Last year, Group Beyond Blue held four “self-esteem forums,” where we got online at a specific time, and were each assigned one person to whom to write a warm-fuzzy letter. A few people visited the thread, just curious about what we were up to, and wept after reading some of the letters.
In his book, “Authentic Happiness,” Martin Seligman, Ph.D., the father of the positive psychology movement, describes the dramatic impact of “Gratitude Night,” where class members bring a guest who had been important in their lives but whom they hadn’t thanked properly. Each member of the class presents a testimonial about the person and thank them. Gratitude night has become the high point of his class, and many students remark on their evaluations of the class at the end of the semester that gratitude night was truly one of the best nights of their entire life. Writes Seligman: “We do not have a vehicle in our culture for telling the people who mean the most to us how thankful we are that they are on the planet.”

9. Acknowledge yourself.
Most published books include a page or two of acknowledgments, where the author cites all the persons who helped shepherd her book to production. It’s like the Oscar moment, when the actor is up on stage and is rattling off every name he can think of and hopes to God he didn’t forget anyone–especially his spouse. The truth is that most people, and especially those who suffer from low self-esteem, do forget a very important figure: themselves. Which is why I think a healthy activity is to write a page of acknowledgements to yourself. Mine would go something like this:

And I thank you, Self, for doing all that you do to try and keep me healthy: for storing the kids’ Halloween bags up where you can’t reach it, where you need a stool to get it down, which is entirely too much effort for a Kit Kat; for exercising four to five times a week; for going to therapy; for trying every day to erect boundaries between your work and home life; for taking six Omega-3 soft-gels capsules a day in addition to all the other vitamins and meds you swallow; for trying your best at good sleep hygiene; and for laughing at stupid stuff whenever possible, because I say that it’s better than crying.

10. Accept a gift.
Sometimes gratitude is hard because we don’t think we’re worthy of the gifts bestowed on us. Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D. explains this problem in his book “Happier: Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment”: “When we do not feel that we are worthy of happiness, we cannot possibly feel worthy of the good things in our lives, the things that bring us happiness.”
One of the hardest acts of gratitude is to graciously accept a gift, to believe in the goodness of the person who gave it to us, and to believe in ourselves enough to receive it. When I was a senior in college, a homeless man wanted to take me out to lunch. I had been spending my Fridays at a shelter and we had become friends. I didn’t feel right about his spending the only dollars he had on a lunch for me. It should be the other way around.
“Let me take you,” I said. And he frowned and became sad.
“Please,” he pleaded, “Let me do this. It would make me happy.”
So I let him. And it did.

11. Pray.
“If the only prayer you say in your life is ‘thank you,’ that would suffice,” wrote Meister Eckhart. I remember that piece of advice as I say my prayers in the morning, the hour I spend running around the Naval Academy. I start with a rosary, then I launch into all my prayer requests, which probably sound to God like Katherine’s Christmas list does to me: “Mom, have that man, Santa, get me everything I have circled in this catalog, okay?”
And then, when I reach my favorite stretch of the run–where the academy field follows the Severn River, a gorgeous spot on the campus that takes my breath away–I don’t say anything. I just take in the beauty with a grateful heart. My only prayer for those three minutes is “thank you.”

12. Give back.
The other day I was trying to come up with a way of repaying a former professor of mine for all his encouragement and support to me throughout the years. Nothing I could ever do could match his kindness. No letter of appreciation. No visit to his classrooms. So I came up with this plan: perhaps I could help some young girl who fell into my path in the same way that he helped me. I told my professor-friend that I would try to help and inspire this lost person–I would try to guide her to a source of love and self-acceptance–just as he had done for me.
Giving back doesn’t mean reciprocating favors so that everything is fair and the tally is even. That’s the beauty of giving. If someone does an act of kindness for you, one way to say thanks is to do the same for another.

Well,  this is a useful list to use on your journey in being thankful for your life and what is around you.If you would like to contact me with any question or feedback, you can reach me by email.

Thank you for visiting us!
Joseph A. Jones

Scary Movies Are Healthy For Women

Those people look like they are watching a scary movie. Scary movies are fun to watch but stresses us out. This leads us to wonder if scary movies are bad for you. On the contrary, there are studies that show scary movies are good for you especially if you are a woman. This is their findings.


Excuses for not watching the movies will not work anymore. Studies have shown that horror movies can be good for mental health and brain of women.The benefit of watching scary movies proves that it has a positive effect on the mind, body and soul. Horror movies are not completely out of sync with reality. After all, it is the reality that creates fiction. So, watching such movies and relating with them is not a task at all. Thus, knowing it is fiction, a figment of imagination makes the audience sure that it is not real. Traumatic experiences after watching these horror and scary movies are rare because of this.


Research suggests that while women watch horror flicks, the brain secretes neurotransmitter dopamine, glutamate and serotonin. Thus, increased brain activity gets the state of mind alert for a while. Additionally , threat signals that pass through the hypothalamus (in the brain) will stimulate the adrenal glands to produce adrenaline and opiates which has an anesthesia like effect.
After watching the movie for half and hour, the system of the body will be calm and the defense system will become more powerful. That is when the immune system in the body will be stronger for a while.

So, no more excuses ladies. Watch horror flicks and be sure of having a positive effect on your mental health and body. Those who complain of heart complications should avoid watching such movies. Get ready, turn out the lights and watch some 'healthy' movies like Omen, The Exorcist and The exorcism of Emily Rose.


Wow, this is a groundbreaking study on scary movies brought to you by The Times Of India.If you would like to contact me with any question or feedback, you can reach me by email.

Thank you for visiting us!
Joseph A. Jones
 

Back To School Tips for Families

I don't want to go. Can't I stay home today? Am I going to make any friends? This should sound familiar. It especially sounds familiar when you are a parent and your children are going back to school. This can also be an emotional time for the parents  watching their kids get older and worrying about their children's new year. Help is on the way.With the information from Nation Mental Health America, they provide some useful  advice so you can have a smooth transition this year.

• Know that your child's mental health is just as important as their physical health.
• Plans for a good school year start in the summer. Begin establishing a "back to school" routine at least two weeks prior to school starting to minimize stress and help with the transition.
• Healthy food and beverages and good quality sleep are necessary for academic success.
• Express interest and enthusiasm about the start of the school year. If you are confident and excited, your child will be too.
• Start the conversation! Talk to your child about your expectations as well as his/her expectations for the upcoming school year. Take time to listen to your child and discuss aspects of the new school year that he or she is worried about.
• If you have visited your child's school already, you are one step ahead of the game. If not, take a walk around the school with your child and locate his or her classrooms, lunchroom, playground and restrooms. This will help keep your child from feeling lost on the first day. When visiting prior to the first day is not an option, if the school has a website, allow your child to visit the site as there may be photos of the classroom, playground, school staff, required school supplies, schedules, other children, etc.
• Remember to let your child know that it's normal to feel nervous about the start of school. For parents of younger children, suggest that your child take a family photo or special object (with permission from school) to school to make his or her surroundings more comfortable.
• Spend time each day talking to your child about what happened in school. Be open to hearing the good and the not so good. Give your child positive feedback about his or her new experiences.
• Praise and encourage your child to become involved with school activities and to try new things.
• Encourage your child to try to make friends and to be a friend. School is a "social hub" that can be a very lonely place without a friend or two.
• Attend school functions and stay involved in your child's education and engaged with school staff. Children whose parents are more involved with their education have higher achievement, are better adjusted and are less likely to drop out of school.
• Be proactive in learning about how your child is developing not just physically, but socially and emotionally, as well. If you are aware of what's typical behavior and thoughts for your child's stage of life, you will be able to tell more readily when things may not be right.
• Know the signs of bullying. Bullying can take the form of direct bullying such as pushing, kicking, teasing, name-calling, destroying belongings as well as indirect action such as leaving someone out of a group, spreading rumors and cyber bullying. If your child is the bully or being bullied, swift action involving school staff is necessary.

Anxiety and stress about starting school is normal for a child and usually passes within the first few days or weeks. If your child continues to seem anxious or stressed, it may be time to seek help. Talk to your child's teacher, other classroom-based staff as well as your pediatrician about what you can do as a parent. If problems persist, consider getting a referral to a trained and qualified mental health professional.

These ideas should help get you off and running so your child can experience the best school year yet. If you would like to contact me with any question or feedback, you can reach me by email.

Thank you for visiting!
Joseph A. Jones

Learn How To Be Positive

     Is your glass half full or empty? We have heard that many times but it does raise a very important point. Are you positive or negative thinking ? You can have an event occur and it can be great but if you think negative it is the worst thing possible.That is why it is important to learn how to think in a positive manner. With the research from Mayo Clinic, they have some real useful ways to relearn the way you view life around you.

Understanding positive thinking and self-talk

Positive thinking doesn't mean that you keep your head in the sand and ignore life's less pleasant situations. Positive thinking just means that you approach the unpleasantness in a more positive and productive way. You think the best is going to happen, not the worst.

Positive thinking often starts with self-talk. Self-talk is the endless stream of unspoken thoughts that run through your head every day. These automatic thoughts can be positive or negative. Some of your self-talk comes from logic and reason. Other self-talk may arise from misconceptions that you create because of lack of information.

If the thoughts that run through your head are mostly negative, your outlook on life is more likely pessimistic. If your thoughts are mostly positive, you're likely an optimist — someone who practices positive thinking.

The health benefits of positive thinking

Researchers continue to explore the effects of positive thinking and optimism on health. Health benefits that positive thinking may provide include:

• Increased life span
• Lower rates of depression
• Lower levels of distress
• Greater resistance to the common cold
• Better psychological and physical well-being
• Reduced risk of death from cardiovascular disease
• Better coping skills during hardships and times of stress

It's unclear why people who engage in positive thinking experience these health benefits. One theory is that having a positive outlook enables you to cope better with stressful situations, which reduces the harmful health effects of stress on your body. It's also thought that positive and optimistic people tend to live healthier lifestyles — they get more physical activity, follow a healthier diet, and don't smoke or drink alcohol in excess.

Identifying negative thinking

Not sure if your self-talk is positive or negative? Here are some common forms of negative self-talk:

• Filtering. You magnify the negative aspects of a situation and filter out all of the positive ones. For example, say you had a great day at work. You completed your tasks ahead of time and were complimented for doing a speedy and thorough job. But you forgot one minor step. That evening, you focus only on your oversight and forget about the compliments you received.

• Personalizing. When something bad occurs, you automatically blame yourself. For example, you hear that an evening out with friends is canceled, and you assume that the change in plans is because no one wanted to be around you.

• Catastrophizing. You automatically anticipate the worst. The drive-through coffee shop gets your order wrong and you automatically think that the rest of your day will be a disaster.

• Polarizing. You see things only as either good or bad, black or white. There is no middle ground. You feel that you have to be perfect or that you're a total failure.

Focusing on positive thinking

You can learn to turn negative thinking into positive thinking. The process is simple, but it does take time and practice — you're creating a new habit, after all. Here are some ways to think and behave in a more positive and optimistic way:

• Identify areas to change. If you want to become more optimistic and engage in more positive thinking, first identify areas of your life that you typically think negatively about, whether it's work, your daily commute or a relationship, for example. You can start small by focusing on one area to approach in a more positive way.

• Check yourself. Periodically during the day, stop and evaluate what you're thinking. If you find that your thoughts are mainly negative, try to find a way to put a positive spin on them.

• Be open to humor. Give yourself permission to smile or laugh, especially during difficult times. Seek humor in everyday happenings. When you can laugh at life, you feel less stressed

• Follow a healthy lifestyle. Exercise at least three times a week to positively affect mood and reduce stress. Follow a healthy diet to fuel your mind and body. And learn to manage stress.

• Surround yourself with positive people. Make sure those in your life are positive, supportive people you can depend on to give helpful advice and feedback. Negative people may increase your stress level and make you doubt your ability to manage stress in healthy ways.

• Practice positive self-talk. Start by following one simple rule: Don't say anything to yourself that you wouldn't say to anyone else. Be gentle and encouraging with yourself. If a negative thought enters your mind, evaluate it rationally and respond with affirmations of what is good about you.

Here are some examples of negative self-talk and how you can apply a positive thinking twist to them.

Negative self-talk                                                            Positive thinking 

I've never done it before.                                       It's an opportunity to learn something new. 

It's too complicated.                                              I'll tackle it from a different angle

I don't have the resources.                                     Necessity is the mother of invention.

I'm too lazy to get this done.                                  I wasn't able to fit it into my schedule but can re-examine.

There's no way it will work.                                   I can try to make it work. 

It's too radical a change.                                        Let's take a chance.       

No one bothers to communicate with me.              I'll see if I can open the channels of communication.

I'm not going to get any better at this                      I'll give it another try.

                                                                                 .

   If you tend to have a negative outlook, don't expect to become an optimist overnight. But with practice, eventually your self-talk will contain less self-criticism and more self-acceptance. You may also become less critical of the world around you. Plus, when you share your positive mood and positive experience, both you and those around you enjoy an emotional boost.

Practicing positive self-talk will improve your outlook. When your state of mind is generally optimistic, you're able to handle everyday stress in a more constructive way. That ability may contribute to the widely observed health benefits of positive thinking.

Now, you can use this article to view the world from a half full viewpoint. If you would like to contact me with any question or feedback, you can reach me by email.

Thank you for visiting!
Joseph A. Jones

Ten Ways To Be Happier And Healthier

We all want to be happy and healthy. To do this, it is important to follow positive mental and physically habits on a daily basis. Upon our research, there is 10 habits that we found that will help you feel mentally and physically great. This is their findings.


1. Eliminate clutter: Ever wonder why those people on Hoarders look so miserable? Climbing out from underneath piles of stuff can also mean emotional freedom from items that could be mentally weighing you down."Get rid of all the things you don't need or that are not good for you," Alexandre says. "Ditch clothes you never wear and create more space to see the clothes you do actually wear."And from your closets to your kitchen, get rid of unhealthy foods too. "Clean out your cupboards, and get rid of all processed foods like those containing white flours, sugar, and unhealthy oils," Alexandre says.


2. Supplement your life: "Take an omega-3 supplement," Alexandre says. These amazing fats found in salmon, flaxseeds, and walnuts purportedly give you glowing skin, fight stress, and reduce inflammation in the body.


3. Just add water: You've heard it before, but it's worth repeating. It's important to drink eight to 10 glasses of water every day to keep our bodies functioning properly."Water keeps you hydrated, eliminates toxins, and keeps you regular. Always keep a bottle with you. If you see it, you will drink it!" Alexandre says.


4. Forget the complaint department: "Stop complaining about never getting what you want, and instead, create what you want," Alexandre 5. Create a daily ritual:says.She suggests setting at least three clear goals per year. "Set goals that excite you, that are tangible, and something with a finish line. Write your goals in the present tense (I go to the gym every Tuesday and Thursday). This will get you believing that they can be a reality!" If you set aside just 10 minutes a day for yourself, Alexandre says, it will do wonders in eliminating daily stress and anxiety."Meditate for five minutes in the morning to start your day. Take the additional five minutes to relax before bed. Read a book that inspires you, take a bath, or enjoy a cup of tea.


6. Just move it! Exercise not only makes you more physically fit, it also boosts your mood, increases your energy, and it can even improve your sex life."Find an activity you like and actually want to do. Take a dance or yoga class, go hiking or rollerblading," the life coach says. "It doesn't really matter. Just get your body moving."


7. Improve your penmanship: If you're thinking "I'm too old for a diary," look at it this way. "Writing in a journal daily helps you clarify your thoughts and feelings, reduces stress, and helps you resolve problems more effectively," Alexandre says.Write down the highlights of your day, something you learned, or just one reason why you're grateful for the things you have.


8. All you need is love: It may sound cliché, but love truly does make the world go 'round."Find ways to get more love in your life," Alexandre says. "Make time in your schedule to see the people you love. Play with a child, hug your friends, tell someone you love them, and smile at someone you don't know. These small gestures can make a big difference."


9. Eat your veggies: Vegetables are an abundance of necessary vitamins and minerals that help keep us healthy and energized. So stop making excuses and eat some everyday. Doctors recommend at least five servings a day.

10. Sleep it off: Most of us need at least eight hours of sleep a night. That's need, not want. There's a reason why we need a sufficient amount of rest."Sleep improves stress, reduces inflammation, and allows cells to re-charge and repair damage," Alexandre says. It also keeps us functioning at our optimum levels both mentally and physically.To make sure you get enough sleep , Alexandre suggests shutting off computers, cell phones, TVs, and anything else creeping in from the outside world at least one hour before bedtime.

Thank you to Shape Magazine and Jene Luciani for this useful article.We hope this list assists you in finding happiness and health in your life. If you would like to contact me with any question or feedback, you can reach me by email.

Thank you for visiting!
Joseph A. Jones

Learn How To Improve Self-Esteem

What do you think of yourself ? If you asked many people that, the responses would usually be allot tougher on themselves  than they should be and in some cases quite negative. That is because many people face problems with self -esteem. It is important to have a positive view of yourself because how you view yourself comes through in your daily actions and that is how people treat you. In knowing this to be a problem , we found a through article on understanding self-esteem and how to improve it brought to you by mind.org.uk.


What is self-esteem?


Everyone holds opinions about the type of person that they are. These opinions are at the heart of self-esteem and they affect how you feel about and value yourself. Self-esteem is not static and fixed; your beliefs about yourself can change throughout your life as a result of circumstance and experience.


If you have low self-esteem these beliefs will often be negative. You may focus on what you feel are your weaknesses, and mistakes that you have made.


People think I am confident because I can address a room full of people. The reality is that I spend most of my time thinking that I’m not good enough. If I... give a speech, I spend the next few days thinking about all the mistakes I made.


If you have high self-esteem, you will generally see yourself in a positive light.


You might find that life events such as losing your job, ending a relationship or being bereaved give your confidence a huge knock, but high self-esteem can act as a buffer to absorb these knocks and help you bounce back.


Your beliefs make the difference between high and low self-esteem. It is important to realise that these are only opinions, they are not facts. They can be biased or inaccurate, and there are steps you can take to change them.

How is self-esteem related to mental health?


Low self-esteem alone is not a recognised mental health problem, but if you have low self-esteem it will have an effect on your mental health.


Holding negative beliefs about yourself lowers your resilience and ability to cope with the stresses of life. This can place you at a higher risk of developing mental health problems such as eating disorders, depression or social phobia, which are closely related to your mood and self-belief.


Low self-esteem can be triggered or made worse by existing mental health problems, such as a panic disorder or schizophrenia. You may find that the pressure of other symptoms and the stigma associated with mental health problems impacts on the way you see yourself.

What causes low self-esteem?


It is not possible to point to one cause of low self-esteem for everyone, because each of us follows a different path through life. The formation of your core beliefs about yourself is a complex process.


Your own inborn nature or temperament will play a role, but your experiences and relationships with the people around you also have an important part to play.


Negative experiences in childhood are often particularly damaging to self-esteem. In your early years your personality and sense of self is being formed, and harmful experiences can leave you feeling that you are not valued or important. You have not had a chance to build up any resilience, so this negative view can become the one that you believe about yourself.


Significant negative experiences in adult life can also shake core beliefs and cause them to change. This will normally happen over time and you might not realise at first that your self-esteem is being lowered. 

Experiences that commonly impact on people’s beliefs include:

• being subject to abuse – sexual, emotional or physical, and the loss of control associated with this
• having your physical and emotional needs neglected in childhood
• failing to meet the expectations of your parents
• feeling like the 'odd one out' at school
• coming from a community which often experiences prejudice, such as being an asylum seeker, or being poor but living in a wealthy neighbourhood
• peer pressure to conform to social norms which you don't agree with
• bullying or excessive pressures at work
• trauma
• physical ill-health – its impact on your quality of life and activities you can do
• bereavement
• facing redundancy or being unemployed
• social isolation and loneliness. 

The way you feel about experiences such as these will depend on lots of other factors, but negative core beliefs about your intelligence, appearance and abilities will often be formed:


I think I’m ugly and unattractive. Other people are more intelligent, talented and interesting than me. Most people wouldn’t want to spend any time with me because of these things.


When something happens that reminds you of these significant experiences, you expect the worst and are likely to react badly. Your low expectations are likely to be at the back of your mind all the time.
You will probably feel anxious and might shake, blush and panic (see Understanding anxiety for more information).
You may also try to avoid the situation all together, or behave in a way that you think will keep you 'safe', e.g. not going to a social event on your own.


This reaction is likely to confirm the negative core beliefs you have about yourself and leave you feeling you have even less chance of coping with a similar situation in the future.


This cycle might seem unbreakable, but it is crucial to remember that these are beliefs, not facts, and they can be changed.

What are the consequences of low self-esteem?


The impact of low self-esteem on your life can be significant, you may find that all areas of your life are affected in some way and confirm your core belief that you are of little value. The section above shows how low self-esteem can interact with mental health problems, exacerbating existing conditions and making you more vulnerable to developing other problems. It can also influence your day-to-day life.

Personal relationships


If you have low self-esteem you might find that you form damaging relationships. You may feel you don't deserve to be treated with love and respect, and so allow friends or partners to take advantage of you or control you.

Social life


For some people with low self-esteem it can be very difficult to hear criticism and you might find that you are overly-sensitive and upset very easily. You might therefore stay away from activities that can expose you to any type of judgement, leaving you to become isolated and frustrated.

Work


If your low self-esteem comes from a belief that you are not competent or intelligent, you may struggle in the workplace, avoiding tasks that you don't feel confident about or trying to produce work which is perfect. You might find it difficult to complete applications or go to interviews as you do not believe you are good enough.


Low self-esteem has severely limited my career development. It has kept me in a place of low confidence, so that I’m less willing to take on challenges at work.


If you have experienced workplace bullying, this can also add to problems with your self-esteem.

Negative behaviors


You might find that to try and deal with your low self-esteem you behave in ways that are damaging to you and those around you. You might find that you try to 'escape' from life and engage in risky behaviour like taking drugs, unsafe sex or drinking too much. You might also develop an aggressive or violent personality to try to hide your vulnerabilities and protect yourself from further damage.


No-one is happy all the time, and having high self-esteem does not mean you will always feel confident about work or have successful relationships. However, good emotional health and positive self-esteem are strong predictors of happiness. If your core belief about yourself is mainly positive you may still associate with some of these behaviours, but your ability to cope with them will be much better.

What can I do to build my self-esteem?


As has been shown in the previous sections, your self-esteem comes from your core beliefs about your value as a person. If you want to increase your self-esteem you need to challenge and change these beliefs. This might feel like an impossible task, but there are a lot of different ways that you can do this. Some techniques or activities you might find helpful are set out below.

Identify your negative beliefs


If you are going to improve your self-esteem, it is important to understand a little bit about what your core negative beliefs are and where they came from. This could be a painful process, so it is important to take your time, and perhaps ask a friend or partner to support you. If you are feeling very distressed, then it might be better to seek professional help – see belowfor more information about this.


It might be helpful to write down notes, and questions such as these could help to structure your thoughts:
What do you feel are your weaknesses or failings?
What negative things do you think other people think about you?
If you could sum yourself up, what word would you use – ‘I am…’?
When did you start feeling like this?
Can you identify an experience or event that might have caused this feeling?
Do certain negative thoughts recur on a regular basis?


It might be also helpful to keep a thought diary or record over a period of several weeks. Write down details of situations, how you felt and what you think the underlying belief was. For example:

Situation  Asked to deliver a presentation at work 


Reaction  Felt very anxious, but told boss it was fine 


Underlying belief   No-one will want to listen to me because I am not engaging




Situation  I was invited to a party 


Reaction  I lied and said I had something else to do


Underlying belief   I can’t say anything interesting and I’ll look stupid dressed up 

Situation   I saw a job ad that I liked in the paper 

Reaction   I got angry and tore it up 

Underlying belief   I’m not smart enough for that sort of work or someone would have offered me a job like that already

As you identify what your core beliefs about yourself are, and where they come from, you can begin to challenge and change them. One way you can do this is to write down evidence to challenge each belief and begin to explore other explanations of a situation. For example, if you think that no-one likes you, you can start to record situations that show a different pattern:

• My mom called me on my birthday.
• My brother did not answer my call, but then later told me he had been really busy at work – it wasn’t personal.
• I have been asked to go to a friend’s wedding next summer.
• I had a really nice conversation with my colleague over our coffee-break.

These might feel like small examples, but as your list gets longer over time you can look back at it and challenge the negative opinions that you have been holding on to.


This is one technique to help you begin to see yourself through new eyes. There are many other practical activities that can help you feel good about yourself.


A therapist once set me a task: every time somebody said something that hurt me, [I had] to try and put myself in their shoes and think of reasons why they might have said that, so I didn’t interpret it as aimed at me. His advice really did help.


You will probably find that some of the suggestions listed next appeal to you more than others, perhaps because some of them are things you are already doing. That is completely natural, but by trying something new or changing your routine, your view of yourself will begin to shift. This will boost your confidence and your self-esteem and help you to break your cycle of negative beliefs.

Positive thinking exercises


There are many techniques that can help you to think more positively about yourself. This simple exercise is one example:


Make a list of several things that you like about yourself, you might include:

• things about the way that you look e.g. I have a nice smile
• your characteristics e.g. I am patient
• things that you do e.g. I give money to charity
• skills you have e.g. I’m a great organizer.

Take your time and aim for 50 different things, even if this takes you several weeks. Keep this list and look at a different part of it each day. If you are worried about an event that is coming up, such as a job interview, take the time to read the whole list and show yourself that you have a lot to offer.

Set yourself a challenge


Set yourself a challenge that you can realistically achieve. Start with something relatively small, but which still has meaning for you. For example, you might decide you are going to write a letter to your local paper, or post a comment on a blog that interests you. Tell someone about the challenge and, when you have achieved it, accept their praise. Then set yourself another slightly harder challenge, e.g. join a night-class you’ve been interested in.

Be assertive


Being assertive does not mean you need to be aggressive or difficult, but it will help you to set clear boundaries. It means you value yourself and others, and can communicate with mutual respect.


To behave in an assertive way you should try to keep your body language open and confident, and try to express your feelings if you have been upset. You need to learn to begin to say ‘no’ to unreasonable requests, or tell people that you need more time or support with tasks that you find challenging.


Most adult education institutions offer assertiveness classes, as do some universities and colleges of further education, and many private firms offer advice. There are also several self-help books with practical exercises and tips available.

Friends and family


If you have low self-esteem there might be people close to you who encourage the negative beliefs and opinions that you hold. It is important to identify these people and take action to stop them from doing this, perhaps by becoming more assertive (see above) or by limiting the amount you see them. Try to associate with people who will not criticise you, and who you feel able to talk to about your feelings. Having someone listen to you can make your experience seem more real, and can help you to take action.


Work


Work can provide identity, friendship, a steady routine and a salary. Some people thrive in a busy environment and enjoy working to ambitious targets; other people see their job as a means to an end. Wherever you sit on this spectrum, it is important that the balance between your work and your home-life feels right for you. If you have been out of work for some time, then you might find a short-term position or volunteering can help you build your confidence back up. See Mind’s employment campaign Taking Care of Business for more information about work and mental health.

Hobbies


This could cover anything from learning a language, to singing, to a painting class. Think about where you feel you have some natural ability, or things which you have always wanted to try. The internet, your library and adult education colleges should have details of local clubs and classes that you might want to go along to. Try to find activities that will not challenge you too much to begin with so that you can feel you have achieved something and have a chance to build your confidence.

Take regular exercise


Physical activity is good for mental health, it has been shown to improve people’s image of themselves and sense of wellbeing. Whether you prefer gentle walking or something more active, you will almost always feel better for having done some exercise.
Try to get enough sleep


If you have trouble sleeping this can have a serious impact on how you feel about everything. Negative feelings are likely to be exaggerated and you might find you are more irritable and less confident. See How to cope with sleep problems for help with establishing a good sleep routine.

Diet


Eating healthily has a positive impact on your physical and mental health. Eating a well-balanced diet at regular meal-times with plenty of water and vegetables, and only occasional treats, will help you to feel more healthy and happy. See the Mind Guide to Food and Mood for more information.

Mindfulness


Mindfulness is a way of paying attention to the present moment, using techniques like meditation, breathing and yoga. It has been shown to help people become more aware of their thoughts and feelings, so that instead of being overwhelmed by them, it is easier to manage them. The ‘be mindful’ website has more information that can be used.

10 tips to keep you going


These 10 ideas summarise some of the techniques we've just discussed, and can be really helpful to refer to throughout the day to keep you positive and engaged in boosting your self-esteem:


1. Stop comparing yourself to other people.
2. Don’t put yourself down.
3. Get into the habit of thinking and saying positive things about yourselfto yourself.
4. Accept compliments.
5. Use self-help books and websites to help you change your beliefs.
6. Spend time with positive supportive people.
7. Acknowledge your positive qualities and things you are good at.
8. Be assertive, don’t allow people to treat you with a lack of respect.
9. Be helpful and considerate to others.
10. Engage in work and hobbies that you enjoy.
What other help is available?


If you are experiencing significant anxiety, depression or stress then you might seek more professional support.


Now is the time to improve your self-esteem. Be good to yourself and think in a positive light.If you would like to contact me with any question or feedback, you can reach me by email.

Thank you for visiting!
Joseph A. Jones